using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
