New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
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fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
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More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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