I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
