would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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