remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
