Four minutes until I can fart!
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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