she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
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