Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?