I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
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they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
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Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair