Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
