Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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