My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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