I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
i think im in europe. pls send help
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.