sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible