You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
P.S. I can't hear my feet
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
