Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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