Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
