So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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