It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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