i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Randomize
