real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
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It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
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Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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