You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
But theres a keg here and me gusta
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
