Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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