So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Randomize
