I just saw a hot homeless man
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
