So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
