woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
