update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
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The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
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Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
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