Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
i think my mom watched the whole time
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
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