just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
