The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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