I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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