Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
