I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs