yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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