Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
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Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
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As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.