Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
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My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
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I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang