I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.