I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
