it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
