So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
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I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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