Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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