Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
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