I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
