At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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