i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
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So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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