I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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