but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
