I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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