Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
