we're chasing vodka with high fives
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
