ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
