mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
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i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
3pm strippers are depressing
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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