i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
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at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
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Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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