I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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