this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Holy sore nipples Batman
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
